If I was really committed to being the kind of person I am, I would’ve made this post 4 days ago, when it was 100 days from my 30th birthday. Nice round number. You know. But I didn’t think of it then, and I didn’t even want to write this post then – I wanted to write a post I still want to write, about friendship, and I think I’m still going to write it but those words… well, they’re not in my head right now – so here it is. Now. 96 days from my 30th birthday.
I could look deeply at my interior-self and try to come up with a good way to talk about what it means to be turning 30 as a person who, at 15, said that they refused to turn 18 if by then they were not “better.” Whatever “better” meant to me then. I’ll probably do that – have that conversation with myself. Not just yet, though.
Because what’s more important to me right now is that this morning I reserved a room in Vermont, for two days after my birthday, and a week ago I reserved a room in Maine, for the day after, and I asked for a few days off work, and I started putting aside money, and I confessed to people who already knew that I’d wanted to just drive – not for work, not because I had somewhere to be or a reason to be driving – for a very long time and I didn’t know anymore why I wasn’t just doing it when I had the means and no legitimate excuses. I can take time off and I don’t have homework to not do anymore and I have people to look after my cats. I can afford to do things that are fulfilling, and not in a way that will come back in a few years to make me wonder what I was thinking when I convinced myself I was doing something that was good for me.
I’m planning this with only myself in mind. I’m not thinking of who I’ll disappoint when they find out they’re not invited, or of who will think it’s stupid. I’m not thinking of anything like that. My impulse, always, is to hop right onto that train of thought but I’m forcing myself to just, you know, not, this time around. While I’m willing to admit that I’ve been incredibly selfish in the past, I can’t say that I’ve ever really been that way in my own best interest.
I think that’s what I’m doing now.
I hope so, anyway.